I remember once hearing that some people merely love the idea of being in love, not the actual act of love itself. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe that's what I'm feeling.
I actually love several people. Each one of them is so different, and each one of them I know on varying degrees. Some of them are real. Some of them are ideas. But each one of them makes my flesh burn with need, and there are times when I can't get them out of my head. Maybe I want them there..
I fell in love with Roger because he worried about me. Just wrote me out of the blue and wanted to spend time with me, and because of that I could never get him out of my mind. I remembered being in school, and turning him away in 5th year, but going back out with him again in 7th. He was a damn good kisser, and he knew how to please me in ways no one else knew. It wasn't until we hadn't seen each other in years that he finally told me he loved me.
I fell in love with Frank the moment I saw him. Beautiful boy with tousled brown hair and deep brandy-colored eyes. But I could never tell him how much I ached for him. How much I wanted to lay with him, and call him my own. He was so sweet.. and generous.. and always put everyone else before his own needs. I couldn't help but admire him for that. Where someone else would see a flaw, an imperfection, I only saw perfection. For me, he is my one and only. I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else.
James was a bastard. Always was. I don't know why I ever liked him at all. He followed me around, and was an arrogant ass, and I think I've developed a permanent twitch in my eye because every time I see anyone run a hand through their hair, I spaz out. But you know... something happened, and slowly he started to change, and I couldn't help it. I really did love him.. ever since our first meeting.. but I could never bring myself to love someone who was so full of themselves that they couldn't see outside of their own little world.
Daniel has been with me perhaps the longest of all. Maybe it's just lust.. but his words, and his voice, and his mind drive me to lust. I want to see if it could work.. even if the age thing and the distance thing is so big. I'm 18 now, damnit. I have every right to try. If it ends up being wrong.. I'll give it up.. but I'll never stop lusting for him.
Hannah kinda came out of nowhere and stole away my heart. She convinced me that sometimes you had to stop worrying about whether or not you got hurt and just acted from the heart. She was beautiful, and passionate, and strong-willed, and I could never get over her. I still lust for her. She plagues me.
Isaura, whom I've never seen but have heard and known, is a constant presence in my heart. I love her; I adore her.. I want nothing more than to embrace her and tell her how much she means to me. She fills me with a sense of longing that is almost unsettling.
Tristian I have known for perhaps the longest. She is beautiful, and witty, and knows all the right things to say. Once again.. bigbigdistance between us. I'll be lucky if I get to see her once in my lifetime. But I would be so willing to make it a permanent. Still am. I'm just afraid.. that I end up investing my entire life into her and things would just.. disappate. I don't want that.
I'm almost afraid of real love. Of true love. I thought I had it once, with Jeremy, but then he killed me. Even being near him hurts, although I still lust for his touch and his mouth.
*sigh* And I'm spent.